Episode 109: Transforming Self-Talk for Ultimate Confidence: Mastering Inner Dialogue with guest, Paul Boehnke

Imagine transforming your inner dialogue to support your goals and dreams rather than hinder them. That's exactly what our guest, Paul Boehnke, has mastered and is here to share with us. As a seasoned speaker, author, and coach, Paul takes us through his unique techniques, developed from his classical musician background, to reframe negative self-talk into empowering beliefs. Learn how acknowledging that critical thoughts are habitual and not reflective of reality can help you create and practice new, inspiring messages until they become second nature, fostering unstoppable confidence and unlocking your true potential.

Building a coaching business comes with its own set of challenges and invaluable lessons. In this episode, we emphasize the importance of not taking successes or failures personally and explore the impact of the inner critic. Learn how to step back and view these habitual thoughts from a broader perspective, transforming business challenges into opportunities for growth. We'll also discuss the significance of acquiring business knowledge through coaching and consulting, reflecting on how earlier intervention could have been beneficial but ultimately accepting the journey as it unfolds. Embrace the peace and self-acceptance that comes from understanding your unique path and experiences.

Finally, we delve into the notion that everyone is doing their best with the resources they have at any given moment. Reflect with us on our respective journeys into coaching, highlighting how personal interests in psychology, spirituality, and self-mastery have shaped our paths. Discover the significance of external guidance from business coaches and the importance of confronting your inner critic to find your unique path to success. With billions of people and relatively few coaches, the potential for impact in this field is immense. Join us as we emphasize the boundless opportunities awaiting those ready to embrace their journey of mastery.

Watch the full interview by clicking here.

Find the full article here.

Learn more about Paul Boehnke here.

For our choice Magazine listeners: Gain access to a free video series called From Adversary to Ally: Mastering Your Self-Talk

Grab your free issue of choice Magazine here - https://choice-online.com/

Chapters

• 0:07 Transforming Mindsets
• 10:26 Learning and Growth in Coaching Business
• 13:53 Creating Your Unique Path to Success
• 28:40 Journey of Mastery

Transcript

Garry Schleifer: 0:07

Welcome to Beyond the Page, the official podcast of choice, the magazine of professional coaching, where we bring you amazing insights and in-depth features that you won't find anywhere else. I'm your host, Garry Schleifer, and I'm excited to expand your learning as we dive into the latest articles. Have a chat with the brilliant author behind this one today and uncover the learnings that are transforming the coaching world, and I really do believe so. Join our vibrant community of coaching professionals as we explore groundbreaking ideas, share expert tips and techniques and make a real difference in our clients' lives. This is your go-to resource for all things coaching, so let's dive in.

Garry Schleifer: 0:50

In today's episode, I'm speaking with speaker, author and coach Paul Boehnke, who is the author of an article in our latest issue and I know for those watching you can see it looks like Alice in Wonderland with a twist and his article is entitled "Taking a Broader View. The issue is called a livelihood from coaching feasible or fanciful. Both of us are here to tell you that it's very feasible and it's pretty fancy. Let's tell you a little bit about Paul. He's a speaker, author and coach who helps millennials and business owners become more effective by clearing the self-criticism and overthinking that prevents them from realizing their true purpose. I'm not one of those two.

Garry Schleifer: 1:34

As a classical musician, Paul stumbled on a unique process that not only helped his performances but could easily be applied to taming his inner critic, which we all have. He then realized that this process not only works for him but for everyone, musician or not. In his book, "thoughts on Demand turn negative self-talk into unstoppable confidence. He shares a process that transforms the voice in your head from an adversary into an ally. Paul, thank you for coming back again. Welcome back.

Paul Boehnke: 2:07

Thank you, Garry. It's my pleasure, always enjoy our conversations.

Garry Schleifer: 2:16

Now, okay, you've got to tell me what was this process. Tell me a little bit about this, and what instrument did you play or do you play, or how many do you play?

Paul Boehnke: 2:21

So, as a keyboard player, my degrees are in organ. My main instrument at this point is the harpsichord, and I also spent, you know, quite a few years as a conductor as well.

Garry Schleifer: 2:30

Wow, cool. And so the process is this you know something you want to share, or do you want people to read your book and find out?

Paul Boehnke: 2:40

Well, both I'm happy to share. The book has more information, of course. Well, what's interesting is, as a musician, one of the things that I needed to be able to do to perform on stage is not only to get my body to do what I needed it to do when I needed it to do it, but to get my mind to support that, to get my mind thinking what I needed it to think, and to do that on cue. So that's one of the things that I got kind of good at. How do I train my brain to think?

Paul Boehnke: 3:10

Well, later on in life, as I was going through things and bumping into various issues, I realized there was this little voice in my head that sometimes wasn't very encouraging. Yeah, exactly, if there is a way I can get this voice to be more encouraging, that would be really helpful. And I thought about the way I had done that as a musician and I realized that that would also be useful for this little voice. Now, retraining that inner critic voice, there's a little more to it than I was doing with just a musician, because you certainly need to get to the root of what's really going on. I discovered that all these stories that I was telling myself weren't actually true, that they didn't reflect who I was, and so that realization helped me sort of separate a little bit from them, and that also helped me craft an affirmation, if you will, or a message, a new one that would address what the old message was saying, but do it in a way that was inspiring and encouraging. And then all I had to do was use my skills of practicing that I had learned as a musician to make that new thought my default.

Paul Boehnke: 4:25

In a very short nutshell, that's kind of what it's about. We recognize that these critical thoughts we have they're just thoughts like any other thought, that they're not true, they're telling us a lie, and when we can sort of figure out what is the lie underneath the lie underneath the lie to the bottom then we have something concrete to deal with. That's what we can then use to create a new, more empowering belief that supports us, and then all we have to do is repeat it and practice it. Now, some people may say well, how do you know that repeating is actually going to reprogram your brain? And the evidence for this actually comes from the inner critic itself, because that's what it does.

Paul Boehnke: 5:14

It tells us the same stories over and over, so it becomes our habit. That was a longer explanation than maybe you were hoping for, but in a nutshell that's kind of it.

Garry Schleifer: 5:22

You know what? No, not at all. That's very interesting and informative because you know you're right. It's like so what's the thought running through your head now? And how did it get there? Is it negative or is it positive? So if you want to replace it and you know, work at it. You know, it reminds me of the book I'm reading right now "Love yourself like your life depends on t." and yourself like your life depends on it. And one of the steps is re.

Garry Schleifer: 5:48

What is it called? It's called replacing the groove, and it reminds me of what you're saying. You're in a groove of negative, negative thought. Right? It's like a record, a groove in a record, I think of it as right? So if you want a different groove on your record, what do you normally do? You change the channel. That's all you're really. It's really what you're saying is change the channel and then continue to notice that you're changing the channel, because it takes some time to keep it going. So let's overlay all of this on so what do you think your groove was your inner critic when you first started your coaching business, because in your article, you really go from it's like it's either on or off. You've matured and we'll talk about that, but day one or day 110, what were you thinking?

Paul Boehnke: 6:39

So I think the worries that I had, the very first worries I remember was when I was making the shift from being a musician to a coach and at some point you actually tell somebody this is what's going on, you know, and that was terrifying to me to say that out loud, and so I was worried would people accept me for this?

Paul Boehnke: 7:01

Would they believe that this is something I could do? I mean, I'm a musician, not a counselor or a coach or a therapist. What the heck is going on here? So there was this fear inside of me that whatever was there wasn't really quite acceptable as it was. That was kind of the core, one of the core messages for me that I had to realize that I am acceptable, that I am lovable just as I am, with my thoughts, with my emotions, with my ideas, with my desires. I'm good. That's what I needed to overcome.

Garry Schleifer: 7:33

Yeah, and practical question, so overcoming mindset. I think we're talking a lot about mindset here. Did you have a reserve or did you go like hard? What do you call it? Cold, cold start like stopped classical musician, moneymaker Was it a moneymaker and right into coaching and starting a new business? Or did you? Did you do what most pundits will suggest is have a reserve before you head into coaching?

Paul Boehnke: 8:00

Well, yes and no actually to that question.

Garry Schleifer: 8:05

Like me, I'm talking to you and I'm thinking of me, but I'm going to let you tell your story.

Paul Boehnke: 8:09

So my own experience was I could tell the last few years of my being a musician that I sort of had this sense that this was coming to an end. It was an honor, I loved it. There's a lot of great stuff about it, but there was something that was beginning to feel, shall we say, stale maybe, or I could just sense something else was coming and at one point I realized that if I was going to let something new into my life, I have to make room for it. My life was full and if there was going to be something new, I needed to make room. So I took a rather drastic step of just quitting all my music gigs and I didn't quite know where I was going. I wasn't even sure that coaching was the direction that I wanted to go, but I knew something else needed to come in.

Garry Schleifer: 8:53

Oh, so you didn't even have that ready, like you were just literally cold stop. Oh my, okay, yes.

Paul Boehnke: 8:59

And I was, fortunate enough, I've also had some training and some background and some experience in graphic design and I thought, okay, well, maybe I can use this in this transitory phase as I stop one and head towards something else, which is what I did for a couple of years. I was designing magazines for a company here in town and during that time is when I also decided coaching was the direction I wanted to go, and I went through the coach training program and became a coach, and what was really fascinating is, about six months after becoming certified as a coach, I said, okay, well, this is great, but how do I find more time to spend on my business? I mean, I've got this full-time job right. How do I find more time to spend on my business because I'm really enjoying this? Well, lo and behold, a few weeks later I get laid off and I think, oh well, I guess there is my answer.

Garry Schleifer: 9:56

Oh how the universe works yes.

Paul Boehnke: 9:58

So of course, you know being laid off comes with some unemployment, so there was a at least financial cushion that way. But yes, as I look back at choices I have made and when people look at it, they say, wow, you're really a risk taker, aren't you? I don't think of myself that way, but when things say it's time to move, it's time to move, yeah.

Garry Schleifer: 10:22

Wow, wow. What a great story. I love that. So what's the biggest thing you've learned in building your coaching business?

Paul Boehnke: 10:31

I think the biggest thing is not to take anything personally. I mean, you know, successes or failures, they really are just sort of mirages about what's going on, and those mirages are usually created by my own sense of fear about things. Now, as you mentioned, I sort of specialize in working with the inner critic and of course, one of its most powerful tools is to try to measure us, to see whether we measure up. Are we good at this or are we bad at this? And I can guarantee you that, no matter what it's measuring, no matter what is happening, that critical voice is going to find you not measuring up.

Paul Boehnke: 11:15

And so I needed to sort of step back, not take those messages personally, realize those little thoughts that I had weren't who I was, they were just thoughts. They were habitual thoughts. They weren't very helpful thoughts, they were just thoughts. And so when I can step back and say, okay, there's all these thoughts going on, what's a broader view perspective that I can take? That's really what I have learned that everything that happens in my business is an opportunity for me to learn something.

Garry Schleifer: 11:48

I love it. I keep telling people that. I think it's one of the biggest things I've learned through doing landmark education and from doing coach training. First of all, don't take it personally for agreements. Thank you, Don Miguel Ruiz. And also, just like, what do you learn? What did you learn from that? And you know? So it brings me to the question back to you what would you have done differently on your or starting journey?

Paul Boehnke: 12:16

I think at the beginning hmm, I'm not sure. You know, we all take the path that we take and it's the right one for us at the moment. Some of the things that I realized at that beginning stage was there was a lot I didn't know about business. They don't cover that music school. They don't cover it very much in most coach training programs and people get Master's Degrees in this. So there must be something there for me to learn. So one of the one of the things that has helped me the most is working with various business coaches or consultants to help me learn how business actually works. What are the things? So you know, had I done some of that earlier probably would have been a good idea, but I did it when it was time for me to do it, you know?

Garry Schleifer: 13:10

Yeah, exactly. I love that too because I feel the same way. It's like, yes, we could have done it differently, but sometimes like the universe laying you off and, yeah, at a cushion and, and your sense of knowing, your inner sense of knowing what that kind of going backwards and jumping back and forth but leaving the music gigs, going back to graphic design, being laid off. I can get you just seem so peaceful about it and no regrets. And I feel the same way about my course. Could I have done things differently, yes, but all the things that happened to me and I did or decided are what made me the person I am today and I kind of like that guy.

Paul Boehnke: 13:50

Yeah, you know, I actually might add something to that. As I'm thinking about this, I'm not sure that I could have done anything differently. Were there different things that could be done? Yes, but I was where I was with all of my experiences, all of my knowledge, all of my issues, all of my whatever. And here's a belief I have. I think we're all doing the best that we can every moment. Yeah, some days our best is better than others, but we're doing the best that we can in that moment, and so I'm not sure I could have done anything differently. Were there other things that could be done? Yes, but not by me, right?

Garry Schleifer: 14:28

Wow, well said, thank you, that really resonates for me too.

Paul Boehnke: 14:32

Yeah.

Garry Schleifer: 14:32

And it brings me back to touch on the conversation we had in the green room before starting the recording, and that is you and I have, we compare. I mean, a lot of people do this as well, but we're both have a sense of what might be important or a value to our fellow coaches, to humanity. You do a brilliant YouTube channel. Remember your very first one was about procrastination, which I've watched. It's really cool. I suggest everybody watch his video, sign up now, he'll tell you later.

Garry Schleifer: 15:05

And I started doing a podcast, this podcast, and I'm now, as I mentioned, I'm over a hundred episodes published, over 7,500 downloads, you know, and it's like when we look at the numbers and we're kind of like, oh, that's cool, but it isn't why we did it. We did it because it's also, I think, a part of our calling the call. And this might be the thing too. I don't know if that's for you, but I feel that was I called to coaching. It sounds like you were called to coaching.

Paul Boehnke: 15:39

Yes, you know, I don't know that it was a two by four upside of the head saying coaching.

Garry Schleifer: 15:48

No, no, it because it was early days right.

Paul Boehnke: 15:51

Yes, but I've always been interested in how we think, I've always been interested in spiritual things, which actually informs a fair amount of how I approach coaching life, everything, you know. What is my relationship to the universe? What's the universe about? What is life about? These sorts of questions have always been interesting to me. As I grew and got older, of course, these questions became more subtle and more sophisticated and it just sort of led me in this direction and I found myself living there. Here's one of the more interesting things is I spent 30 years as a classical musician and during those years I did a lot of reading, lots and lots of reading. But I discovered near the end of that, as I looked back at everything I'd read, it was almost never about music. Which kind of surprised me.

Garry Schleifer: 16:43

I was going to say did you read about music? Okay, good, Thank you.

Paul Boehnke: 16:47

No, there were a couple of books in there about music, yes, but the vast majority were about psychology and mythology and spirituality and personal development, and I had this sense that I was sort of leading a double life. There was this public part of me that people knew as a musician, this part of me that I was passionate about, that I was reading about, but I didn't really share it much. And in the end I really discovered that being an artist is really so much more than becoming a master of the tools of your art. It's really about becoming a master of yourself, so that you can get your own junk out of the way so creativity has a place to be. Well, what better preparation for a coach than that? And I realized that what seemed to me like a double life, like two separate paths, were actually two aspects of one path. And when they came together, then all of a sudden all sorts of things opened up and I said, oh, I know this is the direction that I am heading. I just follow what I've been doing, but just don't hide it.

Garry Schleifer: 18:05

Yes, and thank goodness. Thank you for coming forward and being a coach along with the rest of us. We have 9 billion people on the planet and I think there might only be like half a million coaches, so I think we've got a lot of people to talk to.

Paul Boehnke: 18:21

You know there's no shortage of potential out there.

Garry Schleifer: 18:24

Yeah, exactly, exactly. I'm gonna ask you to stick on to come back to the topic at hand for the issue and that is so who or what and we're going to add who or what helped you the most in building your business?

Paul Boehnke: 18:44

Well some of the the business coaches and consultants that I have worked with certainly gave me a lot of nuts and bolts, helped me weed through okay, there are all these aspects that I sort of know about business, but they're all flowing around my head and I don't know what to grab on to. And they helped me say this is what's important at this stage, this is what you need to do. So that was certainly one of the more helpful things, and I will also say that all this work I've done around inner critic, when I apply that to myself, that's when I've learned the most. That's when I have grown the most.

Paul Boehnke: 19:22

That's when, really, I realized that building a business is a unique journey. People go to school and they learn all the rules, the things you need to do to build a business, but all those rules don't necessarily work for every business. It's a unique path through everyone, and so when I was able to sort of discover that for myself, that relieved a lot of the burden, a lot of the belief that I had that I don't know how to do this, you know, and to go ahead and do it, and to find success in the way that it works for me.

Garry Schleifer: 20:02

I'm going to try a metaphor. I think it's a metaphor on you. So you've been a conductor, so I'm picturing you looking at your musicians and saying, okay, and you know how you do that. It's like that group go that group, you know like you're orchestrating them and it's like, oh, I need that section to support my business now and I need that section to support my clients and I need that and I need that and I need that. Right, and it came to you versus you chose it. But regardless, I'm still picturing you as a conductor, but then, as a coach, I'm seeing you turned around and the musicians are behind you and your client is in front of you and your business is in front of you and the orchestra, they feed you and give you what you need when you need it.

Paul Boehnke: 20:56

Interesting idea. I have to think about that a little bit. I hadn't thought in those terms, but it's going to take my brain a little while to sort of because I'm an out me, because I'm an outsider right like I'm you know, you're possibly, but I can tell you actually.

Paul Boehnke: 21:12

When I was in college, I took an instrumental conducting class and the professor who taught that actually ends up being one of the more important.

Paul Boehnke: 21:19

One thing he said turns out to be one of the most important things for building my business, for being a musician, for, frankly, anything. He says, between rehearsals you go up in your studio and you look at the score and you study and you try to figure out what's going on and you make these detailed plans about what needs to happen in the music, detailed plans about how to manage a rehearsal to get this. And then you stand up and you give your first downbeat and you realize you have to throw all of that out because things are now different. You have to do the homework, you have to do that studying, but you also have to realize that what you're dealing with is now and so you can learn all those things about business. Great, I highly encourage that. Do that study and when you sit down at your desk to say what am I doing today, you might discover that lots of things get thrown out, and being open to say, okay, this is, this is how I need to approach this situation.

Garry Schleifer: 22:16

Yeah, wow, great advice, great advice. And I've seen that happen for myself as well.

Garry Schleifer: 22:21

And especially with choice, like things we tried and say, okay, that didn't work. Okay. What's next Try that. Okay, that works. Let's stick with that kind of thing. So what other advice do you have for these budding entrepreneurs and coaches that are reading choice magazine's current issue.

Paul Boehnke: 22:38

Well, it really sort of comes out of this discussion we've just had and that's really forge your own path. You know, as I said, learning about business the way I did with help from others, is hugely beneficial. So if you don't understand business, buy some books, find somebody who can help you understand sort of the principles of business, how it sort of works. But in the end you are creating a unique business. This is your pathway to success and it is unique. And if you're, let's say, trying to find your way through the forest and you see a path, you already know it's somebody else's path because they have taken it.

Paul Boehnke: 23:25

We only really see our own path in hindsight. So we make plans, we make decisions, we do stuff and we wonder what the heck is this really all about and is this going to work? And we only know in retrospect. I think of something that Joseph Campbell said. He was a well-known mythologist who worked at Sarah Lawrence College many years ago and he said you know, he had this life he described as sort of being a maverick. He was going from here to there and just following whatever grabbed his interest. But he said, as he looked back at his life in his 80s he realized there was a clearer path.

Paul Boehnke: 24:06

It didn't feel like it on the way, but in retrospect, he could see that, yes, there was an organizing principle to his life, and I think that's what we need to do with business. This is your path. Learn everything you can and make your decisions based on what really fits you, what you're passionate about, what you feel drawn to.

Garry Schleifer: 24:29

Wow, great advice. Thank you, I followed that advice. Somebody gave me a little tidbit of that way back and they said when I was running a logistics business, I built it and ran it and got bought by my largest competitor and they made me the President. And the director that was overseeing me said the most important thing you need to do, is know your numbers, and I wasn't quite sure what he meant. So, I think the universe led me to what do you call it? A university for after hours course and took basic bookkeeping and I'm talking basic like the t's and the credits and debits. So if you take it from here, it has to be here. It always has to be somewhere else. I'm probably one of the few people in any of my not-for-profits that my bookkeeper knows, that knows what a profit and loss statement is and the connection to a balance sheet. I know that if you do this, that happens. If you do this, that happens. If you do this, that happens. So I really took to heart the knowing your numbers and it's really come in helpful. And that's to your point. Learn about business.

Garry Schleifer: 25:42

My advice to people is know your numbers. Other things might be whatever worked for you or them and take it and decide what do they say? Take the best, leave the rest. So take what you see or feel works for you and learn it and then, if it's not working, get rid of it, try something else. You have to leave an opening for that new piece to come in. It's like when you drop classical music you were like, okay, I think I'm stale, I'm kind of done, okay, what's next? Right? So you drew on your history and that.

Garry Schleifer: 26:18

So yeah, both had different but similar journeys like I guess, everybody does maybe

Paul Boehnke: 26:25

Yeah, what's most interesting to me is, even though I've left being a musician professionally full-time, I still do play, you know, from time to time and I find I'm a better player now than ever.

Garry Schleifer: 26:38

Oh wow. So that's interesting? Why do you think that's so?

Paul Boehnke: 26:45

I was able to let go, I think, of some of the expectations I had for myself about what it means to be a musician, about how this should or shouldn't be done, and I said I love to play. What do I love?

Garry Schleifer: 26:58

And away you go. I love it, and so you're playing keyboard.

Paul Boehnke: 27:02

Yeah, harpsichord.

Garry Schleifer: 27:03

Harpsichord. Oh wow, well interesting. Well, I should do that in one of your YouTube channel videos.

Paul Boehnke: 27:10

Well, there's a thought I have to think about that in one.

Garry Schleifer: 27:17

The other side of Paul Boehnke. Paul, thank you again so much. What would you like our audience to do as a result of your article and the conversation, other than what you've brilliant things you've already told us well, follow your own path, do your own learning.

Paul Boehnke: 27:29

Follow your own path, do your own learning. You have faith in yourself. If you're having a little trouble with that faith in yourself, if that little voice in your head is becoming troublesome, shall we say, and you would love a little help on helping to reprogram that in a way that really supports you and your business, I'm here to help. You can always find me at my website paulboehnke. com, and I'm happy to talk with anyone about how we can help you move forward in that way.

Garry Schleifer: 27:58

Awesome and, like I said earlier, for those listening and watching, watch Paul's videos on his YouTube channel and start with the one on procrastination and carry on from there or go where your heart tells you to go. He's got a whole bunch of them. Great work, Paul. Thank you so much for your contributions to the coaching world and good luck with all of your clients and thank you for being here today.

Paul Boehnke: 28:22

My pleasure Garry. Thanks for the invitation.

Garry Schleifer: 28:25

So just and I know you're still writing, so stay tuned he's going to be back. He might be my first third person attending. He's quite a prolific writer and we love having you on board so thank you. That's it for this episode of Beyond the Page. For more episodes, subscribe via favorite podcast app or however you got here in the first place. If you're not a subscriber to choice Magazine, you can sign up for a free digital issue by scanning the QR code. I got it right this time. Mirroring images always confuse me. Or go to our website, choice-online. com, and click the sign up now button. I'm Garry Schleifer. Enjoy the journey of mastery. Thanks again, Paul.

Paul Boehnke: 29:14

Thank you, Garry.